The Art Of Saying 'NO'

Nobody likes to be told the word ‘No’ and it is true that refusal can often offend. But if we are to set healthy boundaries, we must learn to deploy this small yet enormously powerful word, whenever necessary. We all understand the importance of freedom of choice to choose who, what, when and why we say ‘Yes,’ so why do we often find it daunting to say say ‘No’ to the request of others?

We all remember the disappointment we felt as a young child - often followed by tearful outbursts and tantrums, in our failed attempt to embarrass our parents into submission - and how the word ‘No’ was a very regular and upsetting part of our daily life. We will never forget the anguish and annoyance we felt, as such a tiny but strong word greeted us at every twist and turn, from every adult, sibling and counterpart, throughout our upbringing.

This is possibly the reason why so many grown adults find it very difficult to say ‘No’ to others, in an attempt to avoid having to deal with the potential fall out which may follow. This is why I believe there is an ‘Art’ to refusal. There is a way in saying ‘No’ to whatever we do not want to accept, which should not be compromised.

There are many times when we say ‘No’ when what we actually want to say is ‘Yes’ and indeed vice versa. Both of these responses can cause a great deal of confusion and bitterness for everyone involved. And our refusal to be honest and upfront about our wants and needs may even escalate an already stressful situation, if we do not speak our absolute truth and intention.

Whoever or whatever we say ‘No’ to, we must make it fundamentally clear that our ‘No’ most definitely means ‘No’. We need to ensure our ‘No’ is strong and concise. There is no point replying with a ‘No’ by placing a question mark at the end of the word, which will be heard and interpreted in an unsure, indecisive or insecure attempt at refusal. Our ‘No’ must have a full stop placed firmly after it. An exclamation mark is not necessary, nor a comma, just a simple, calm, and sober full stop. This is the kind of refusal to do what is being asked of us without feeling the need to offer any type of explanation. This is a ‘No’ of authority, self-respect and confidence.

Our ‘No’ may need some practice, as we don’t want to be rude with our refusal. We can stand in our ‘No’ with full conviction, and if we wish to follow it up, or even precede our reply with the word ‘Sorry’ or ‘Thank you’ - in an attempt to soften the blow - then that too is our choice. But what we should not feel obliged to do is make excuses for our choice to say ‘No,’ we should not feel the need to apologise for saying ‘No’, and we certainly should not feel any guilt whatsoever for our right to say ‘No’.

Our reason for refusing any kind of request is our own personal reason. Just like we have a choice to say ‘Yes’ to whatever we choose - which is a choice that is often less scrutinised by others - we have full freedom to accept, refuse, allow, disallow, enable, or disable the requests from another individual, and remain solid with our decision to say ‘No’ and sleep extremely well at night.

Anyone who has an issue with our choice to say ‘No’ without explanation, is someone who does not respect our boundaries. Their refusal to hear and accept our choice is proof of a person who does not respect our decision and therefore does not have respect for us. Anyone who is offended by either our ‘No’ or our choice not to explain ourselves for making our decision, is actually confirming what we initially felt deep within our heart, which is our gut belief that they did not deserve to receive our ‘Yes’ in the first place.

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